Bullying

To be honest, I really didn’t want to write this. Right now I feel scared. I don’t like talking about the bullying I experienced as a child AND as an adult, and continue to experience even now at 32 years old.

I remember the first time I was bullied was in lower school, in fact my first day at lower school. I was at on a bench in the middle of the playground. The bench went around a tree and some boys made fun of me because they said they could see up my skirt. After that I was bullied regularly till I changed schools. I started lower school at the age of 4! I was bullied from JUST 4 years old. A little girl that might do hand stands or cartwheels and think nothing of people seeing her underwear….what kid of that age worries about that kind of thing? I did after that!

When I started at the next school at about 7 years old, 2 girls got me in a corner of the playground so I couldn’t escape, they were bigger than me and started telling me that there was a man that hung out down my street that killed little girls. They pretty much described a Freddie Kruger type character (someone I’d never heard of before that date). After that I was scared to step outside my house and stopped playing out on my bike unless I had a friend with me.

When I got to middle school it was okay, but I only went there for 2 years before moving to a secondary school. I was made fun of regularly, my blouse ripped open, my lip burned with a glass rod heated over a bunson burner so badly I had to go to hospital and then have several weeks off school. When I returned to school, instead of sympathy it was just another thing to make fun of me about. My lip was all yellow, blistery and with puss oozing. This was 6 weeks after the event happened!

On top of this I had an older brother in the same school, all his friends would point and call me names whenever I’d walk past in the playground. I would get made fun of for all sorts of things from the way I walked, to being overweight to the clothes I wore or even because I wore knee high socks instead of ankle socks. Because it was supposedly a posh school, when I got off the school bus I’d be made fun of my other kids on their way home from other schools for my school uniform or for being a snob.

I eventually managed to talk my dad in to moving me to another local school but once again the bullying started almost immediately. I would have my skirt lifted up to show my knickers off, have ice cream smashed in my face, be beaten up and my head smashed off the floor, have my hair tied in knots and glue put in it, be whipped with sticks, have cigarettes put out on me, be spat at, be isolated and ignored or names called at me and once someone even set fire to my coat I was wearing!

You’d think all this would have ended when I left school, but I continued to be bullied even in the working environment. At first I worked with horses and lived in, I was the one person never involved in social events, everyone else on their day off would go to the pub together or the cinema and I was always left on my own.

I was told it was my job to keep a shared room clean and tidy whilst the other girl did nothing and then when she left another pair of girls ‘decided’ they were having that room, they had a go at me for it not being spotless and made me clean it again till it was gleaming, then I was given their old room which was covered in dirt, rubbish on the floor, plates all over the place, no effort had been made to even get it to a reasonable standard of tidy.

When I was kicked in the stomach by a pony and winded on the floor of the field, alone, with horse shoe bruises left behind, I was told I was making it up even though there was evidence. I was forced to continue working in pain and that night I tried to kill myself. The next day I got in trouble for my attempt and for having a knife in my room, not one person asked how I was feeling or called my parents. I was just 16 years old and living away from home with no friends near by.

In my next job my supervisor used to call me wide load and godzilla, the other staff found it highly amusing and would laugh and join in the fun and even get customers to join in. When I was working there I was raped one weekend (not at work) and I didn’t want to go back to work over that Christmas, despite my mum explaining the situation I was fired because I refused to go back to work over Christmas, they wouldn’t even give me compassionate leave!

In another job my 2 front teeth were knocked out by a horse and I was forced to continue working the rest of the day, because it was Easter this meant I couldn’t get in to see a dentist the following day (Friday) or in fact till the following Wednesday, so I was walking around with one tooth that was bent forwards out of shape (that the dentist ended up taking out in 8 separate pieces as it was cracked all the way through to the root) and the other tooth that was in half with nerves exposed for half a week! I was in agony and with only paracetamol available to me there wasn’t much relief for my pain. I had 2 black eyes and bruising all round my nose too.

These days I rarely leave my house due to sociaphobia. When I do go out to do my grocery shopping or some other necessary reason, I am often on the receiving end of people pointing or staring or making comments under their breath about my size, things like “urgh look at her” “she’s far too big” “look at the state of that”, some even say things out loud or shout abuse at me. I’ve even had someone slam a trolley in to my back with a comment about my weight!

I was always told the bullying would pass, that it was a school thing, a child thing, a teenager thing, but it has never stopped and now I isolate myself because I’m scared to leave my house. People think that because I’m overweight that gives them a right to make comments about me or to me. No one lives my life, no one has the right to judge until they’ve spent a day in my shoes. Of course it’s hard to lose weight when you can’t leave your house! Of course it’s hard to lose weight when you have a compulsive eating disorder, when you’re diabetic and when you suffer from things like Sciatica and Fibromyalgia.

I’m not even treated as though I’m a human being, I’m looked at and treated worse than an animal. It’s assumed I don’t have feelings or that it’s funny my feelings are hurt, so what? Who cares about the fat girl?

None of those people know that due to stress I’ve lost 3 stone in 3 months or that even when pregnant I’m still losing weight when I should be gaining it! Because they haven’t seen before and after pics, all they see is me, fat. So instead of encouragement, support and motivation, instead of praise for what I’ve achieved, I’m continued to be bullied and abused – by grown adults! People that should know better!

I’m not writing this for me, I’m writing it because it’s time to put a stop to bullying. It’s destroying people’s lives, children are killing themselves over this or growing up into adults with low self esteem and no confidence, they are losing potential and opportunities over this!

I can’t work now because of the mental health issues I have because of my childhood trauma, how many more children will we allow to have their lives ruined? It isn’t just temporary and they’ll get over it eventually! This is life destroying, soul destroying and it carries through with us in to adulthood, it affect every area of our lives, our work life, home life, friendships, relationships, everything!

Please read more about bullying on http://www.danoah.com

 

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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brooke
    Oct 25, 2010 @ 19:36:45

    Thank you for being brave enough to write this. I hope that writing this has empowered you. People can be cruel no matter what age they are. You have to remember that their words do NOT define who you are. Their words do NOT decide your self worth. Their words are NOT the truth of your beauty. Their words and actions do NOT measure the goodness in your heart.

    You are pregnant right now. I promise the love you will feel for that child and the love you feel from that child will do so much to heal your wounds and make the scars fainter. I promise that everything you have gone through in your life will only make you that much better for your child.

    Reply

  2. Caprice
    Oct 22, 2010 @ 00:56:12

    Wow. Just found you through SDL. I understand. I dealt with many of the same things through grade school, middle school and high school. And if that were not enough, I married a man who constantly put me down to feel better about himself. Anyway- good job writing about your experience. My heart goes out to you. You aren’t alone. You are appreciated. You are important. You are valued and you are loved.

    Reply

  3. Glenni Lorick
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 19:32:00

    I can’t imagine how painful it must have been for you to write this. My heart goes out to you…and to all the other women reading this who have been bullied for not being thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough, nice enough, tough enough….it goes on and on.
    I, too, found you through SDL, and look forward to reading more of your posts. God bless you!

    Reply

  4. sweetdeanie
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 16:37:37

    I just wanted to thank every one for their comments of support, I was so scared of writing this piece but you’ve all helped put my fears at ease, I hadn’t expected so many people to read and reply! Thank you again xxx

    Reply

  5. Michelle
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 16:01:47

    Found your blog through SDL. I can relate to so much of your story. I moved around all over the world as a child, not from my choice, more from my Dad being a …. jerk. I was bullied for being a “horse girl”. All I wanted to do was spend time riding. I was pretty good too, but with all the bullying and name calling and teasing I gave up on myself. Dad always coached gymnasts so I was constantly surrounded by petite girls who could wear whatever they wanted and never had to watch what they ate. Being a rider my legs were always bigger, I always had a butt and hips and I never understood what was wrong with that. I was blessed and didn’t end up going through some of the physical trauma that you endured, but the emotional scars are still there and I doubt they will ever go away.
    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Reply

  6. Penny Freeman
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 15:19:37

    Deanie,

    Thanks so much for posting this. I know what courage you have to even talk about it, let alone open it up to the whole world. Thanks for being a voice for change.

    Great job on the weight loss! But, always remember that even though other people try to make you your size and nothing else, your weight does not define you. Your courage and strength and greatness of heart do, even though you may not feel strong or brave or compassionate some days. I know you are because you keep moving from one day to the next. You haven’t given up. You keep trying. You reach out to people in a manner where you feel safe, but you reach out and share. You put yourself out there for people to see and know, even though you have been burned in the past, and that’s a difficult, difficult thing. I know, because I have struggled with the paralysis of fear myself.

    You are so beautiful! Thank you for setting a positive example. Thank you for sharing. May God bless and strengthen you, and may you know His great love for you, even if sometimes you can’t feel it. You are amazing.

    Reply

  7. Shanda
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 14:43:50

    Hi SweetDeanie,
    I too found your blog from SDL. I just wanted to let you know you are beautiful and I can’t believe how strong your soul is. There are good people out there, keep trying to find them, they will bring you strength.
    I was shocked to hear that even adults can act like this. I will keep my eyes out for these kinds of behaviors and try to put stop to it.
    You are inspirational!
    Shanda

    Reply

  8. Jessie
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 14:24:59

    I followed your comment from danoah.com, thank you for taking the time and emotional effort to write this. You are right, bullying affects you throughout your whole life, emotional scars take much longer to heal than the physical ones! I was bullied a little as a child, not unbearably, but it ded enough damage that later on I was suseciptible to two emotionally abusive boyfriend relationships, I stayed with them both far too long – I was trying to “love” them back to “normal” people…..it didn’t work, they had both had terrible childhoods with horrible parents, and unfortunately it did irrevocable damager to them, that they re-enactedon others as they grew up.

    Thank you for lending your voice to the cause – I don’t have a blog, but I may start one, to help with this cause!

    Jessie

    Reply

  9. Chrysalis
    Oct 21, 2010 @ 11:39:40

    Hi SD,

    I found you through Single Dad Laughing, and I just wanted to applaud your bravery. It’s obvious you’ve been through a lot, and continue to go through a lot, but it sounds like you’re still hanging in there and fighting to not take on the horrible things that have been said about you. That takes real courage and strength, and I wanted to acknowledge that; and to add strength to that voice inside you that knows you deserve better (no matter how quiet it may get sometimes). You deserved, and deserve, better.

    Thank you for being brave enough to write this, to face this, to post this, to /share/ this.

    Reply

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