Vulnerability at our core

We’re all the same at our core being, from the kindest of humanity to the monsters, all scared to reveal that part of us that makes us the same, beautiful vulnerability… When we let someone touch that part of us, they have the ability to change our world, for better or worse.

The masks we wear is what makes us diverse, how we choose to react to protect the core. But when it’s stripped bare, we are one, connected.

Despite our belief that we need to protect that part of us, it can never be truly harmed, damaged or destroyed… We peel away layers, each of those parts can be destroyed, but they can be rebuilt, reformed.. The core exists beneath all of that in the deepest part of us, and only through laying it bare, facing our fear face on… Can we truly connect and be our authentic self. Even in death, that can never be taken away.

It can hurt when others hide their true self, when we see the pain behind their mask and we can’t reach inside, but the best we can do is stand naked in this world, free of our own masks and let them see that neither light can blind nor darkness shadow, that fire can not burn nor water dampen.. And when they see that, we can hope they find courage to reveal themselves too.

We live in fear created by establishments and the faith in the system be it religion or government, led to believe that everything will fall into chaos, mad max style if given true autonomy, though the more we try to control and create order,  the more destruction we create.  The tower topples.

To let go of our beliefs, of faith in the wrong things, of the illusion of control and of ownership and attachments, we find ourselves creating a peace from inside ourselves that emirates outwardly and envelopes one another.

Change and the unknown are scary, trust and faith in ourselves and each other, is terrifying, but through it, we can change the world. Through giving up control to the universe and faith in humanity and natural order rather than man made order, the old falls away leaving space for the new.

First we must face the pain and believe it will make us better.


Life, Love and Suicide

It dawns on me that writing here is for my own release, that I could give you answers, help you all understand.  Maybe something I say here will do that, but it’s not the objective.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote but I’m not continuing from where I left off, I’m starting from the beginning and it might be long

I learnt recently that from a young age, around 3, after my parents separated, I was sexually abused by a babysitter and made to sexually torture my brother too.  I imagine this was why my brother then went on to sexually, emotionally and physically abuse me from around the age of 5 until I was 15.

It all came out when I told my best friend from school, Milly Reid.. Do you remember that night Milly? My life was thrown into chaos and disarray when you told my mum, and if life was awful before, it became pure hell after that.  Where before I had managed for years, to compartmentalise what was going on and keep order and normality in other areas of my life, that was no longer possible.  It now overshadowed everything.  My parents now knew and didn’t believe me and my relationship with them deteriorated rapidly, my friends knew and I no longer felt equal but less than, I couldn’t pretend to fit in anymore, I couldn’t connect, everything was broken. At school my focus lost  it was exam year and I dropped my good grades and flunked everything.  I failed all projections, all potential lost, I had been in all the top sets, expected a’s & b’s… I started truanting, I didn’t go to any lessons anymore.  I wanted to die and I started cutting my arms.

With the blade, there was relief.. And a sense of control, everything seemed to slow down and pause and for a brief time there was only that moment  removed from everything.  The noise stopped. Over the years, cutting my arms became my saviour.

But people judge, they judge my scars  I’m an attention seeker!  It’s a cry for help! I’m selfish..

They say, nothing is that bad  nothing is worth hurting yourself, only they don’t realise that it’s taking away the pain  it doesn’t hurt me at all!

So, anyway to fill out more of the story, I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, kept isolated from the world, fed lines to make me scared of the worldly people and turned against my mother. There were no birthdays, Christmas  Easter. I have so many hang ups because of the residual effects of brainwashing, like a deeper scar than those on my arms.

I ran away from home and was sold by the guys I was living with, I was fucked by several of them in that flat.  Claire and Tasha, you took me there knowing what you were taking me into!

Then I met a guy at a club and went home with him thinking I was escaping, but I wasn’t and he sold me too.. Only this time I managed to stop things before full blown intercourse and the guy dumped me at Kings Cross Station where I called my mum and was picked up by Lewisham police. I lied when they asked if anyone had hurt me.. And I drank tea and shut any emotions out, leaving myself numb waiting for my mum to arrive.

She ended up kicking me out not long after and I lived in an emergency bedsit. I was 18 and pregnant and went out to party just before Christmas 1996.  I got in a car with two guys and was taken to the woods and raped. Forced to choke.. I couldn’t move, my head pulled back right out the car door off the seat and stripped by the other guy. I couldn’t even see what was happening, just feeling it all..I tried to block it out but I can still hear the laughter as they mocked me about how easy I was and how they’d got lucky.

The police said at least I would learn my lesson now and a few days later I dropped the charges, deciding it was my own fault and wanting to forget it all.

After that though, I didn’t learn.. I wasn’t able to gain self control and acted out.  I took risks, associated with the wrong people and got in more and more trouble.  I was raped more times than I can count, by more men than I know. I was beaten, threatened, scared for my life so many times it became my normal.

Then I started seeing someone. I spent 6 years being beaten by him. Until he beat my daughter and I left. By then I was submissive sexually and I would just lay there silently as he fucked me, it wasn’t rape though, I never indicated I didn’t want to as I had lost all will in the years before I met him and just didn’t want to lose him and be alone and scared again. I wasn’t scared of the beatings, they were better than being alone. I didn’t fight back, I just let him.

I stopped seeing my mum because she didn’t like him and had attacked him in my grandads house. It was 6 years before I saw her again in the May and only a couple of months later she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia around the end of August I believe, by January she lost her fight and had quit the chemo just the day before she died

I never told her I loved her, I couldn’t and I thought she was going to get better

Whilst with my ex I had lost 2 babies, an early miscarriage and my stillborn daughter Poppy.

I met my husband really fast after ending things with the ex  and married just 6 weeks later. I spent the next 5 years being emotionally and mentally abused by him but again I just accepted it. I believed marriage was sacred and my vows were important to me  I had to keep trying to fix things, I still believed everything was my own fault, so if I was just a better wife, a better person, I could make him happy and he’d love me. Added to this was his desire to have a child, and even that I was a failure at. I lost 9 more babies with him including triplets.  With every loss I lost a piece of myself.  I became a shell that was filled with pain and grief and hopelessness.

Then I met Damon. I started to see something better in myself. I started to see myself through his eyes, this man who lifted me up.  There’s a lot of the story missing here but eventually things ended with my husband permanently and I ended up being with Damon for 2 years. I moved away from my home town to another county, but 3 hours from Damon too. I thought things couldn’t last from long distance ,but they did for a year  It was hard work but I was determined. I felt loved for the first time in my life and I loved him.  I even learnt to trust him, I had never trusted anybody.  We ended up having a bdsm relationship because I thought it was what I needed.  Someone to care for me and make decisions because I didn’t trust myself and my mental health seemed better that way.

Only, I had flashbacks during sex, and I dissociated. I would come round curled in a ball crying or hitting out. I felt like I was ruining everything  I hated myself and felt dirty, broken, disgusting and unworthy, sometimes it made me feel sick for him to touch me, thinking I would infect him.

And finally he text me and ended it

He won’t talk to me, I’ve destroyed him so much that he hates me.  Even when I tried to kill myself  he said he doesn’t care what I do..

I was found by the police 2 nights ago after taking an insulin overdose  and taken to hospital. In the moment that I decided to die I felt finally at peace without fear, the past didn’t matter  the pain didn’t matter, it was all about to be over.  I had no second thoughts  no doubts, no last second change of heart

I only wished I could have found a way to convince others that it was for the best, so they could be at peace with it too, to know I would no longer be in any pain. I still feel that way.  I feel like I’m hanging on to just build a few memories for my children before I finish things properly. The last time I was raped was August 2014. A guy I went to meet from a dating site, his name was Iain and from Lutterworth I think it was or Lemington, something like that.  I didn’t report it, I haven’t reported any of them since the first one.  My husband told me I deserved it when he found out  and I agree.

Though I’ve focused on things that happened to me, I haven’t talked about how I treat others.  So.. It can’t be said I haven’t hurt others or that I’m innocent.






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