BDSM isn’t consent to rape

I spent weeks feeling it was my fault, I led him down that dark path  brought out the sadist that was inside.  It was my fault right? I enjoyed being dominated  I enjoyed playing consensual non consent  for a while anyway, then it just started to re-traumatise me so I withdrew consent for anything rough.   But he’s the Dom and I’m the worthless little sub and I don’t get the last say do I?  What happens when I’m gentle?  he asked me when I confronted him about raping me. What D? I cry? I have issues and I find kindness opens all the locked away pain from being unloved and unwanted for so long? And I get scared that you’ll really see me  without my masks? And that I’ll get hurt again? When you’re gentle, I’m more vulnerable and outside my comfort zone.  But I don’t deserve to persist past this do I? Because even though being rough still triggers me in other ways, traumatise me, at least you’re fulfilled with your own sick fantasies right?

So my consent.. Was unnecessary to you, because you get the last say and  you decide when it’s over, not me

Of course, you have your defence all ready, as soon as I confront you, you’re answer was armed ready to shoot  like you knew it was coming didn’t you?  All prepared!

What did you say? Well you have all the agreements and what I like… Never mind they were from months and years earlier and I spent from February 16th to March 30th texting you removing consent, making all before null and void.  No, never mind that DF, because you get the last say don’t you? The worthless sub doesn’t get to remove consent, to say no more, to say stop.

The killer? The smug look on your face as you laid back resting your head on your arms whilst I cowered in the corner, shaking and wondering what to do and whether it was my fault, the smug look when you admitted you were seeing someone else within 2 weeks of raping me.  The smug look I imagine you had when I took my overdose and you thought you’d got away with what you did forever.  The smug look when you could attempt to make out to others that I had been to blame for the break up. The smug look i know you’ll have on your face when you get away with it because I know they won’t prosecute or that you’ll confess, you’ll own up and convince them you had good grounds to rape me!

No remorse for destroying me, for making me scared to be with anyone again.  To feel no man is going to want me now, whilst you pose for the photos with your new girlfriend and her children and happily have it on display all over Facebook, weeks after raping me and after refusing to ever have anything about me public.  I mean you really know how to make someone know how worthless they are don’t you? You said you loved me and then within a few weeks did that.

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