Tormenting myself

So, I started reading back on all our messages and noticed that way back September 2017 I had indicated that I was scared of you  that I felt my episodes were increasing and that sex with you was hugely triggering, in October I was telling you how scared I was to visit you and by January I was saying how I felt i had to pretend to a good sub or you wouldn’t love me anymore and how much the bdsm lifestyle was traumatising me and that I was putting pleasing you before my own mental health and wellbeing.  You replied saying you knew I didn’t want to be a sub, yet you still continued to force me? You didn’t stop it.  February I finally called a stop to it all. I told you no more! I told you I couldn’t do it at all anymore.

Through March I reiterated what I told you in February and expanded on the changes I wanted to see and try, to feel connected, gentle, loving and to try to learn to open my eyes and look in yours and to trust you and open up to you.

You still forced me. Please tell me there’s any other definition for what you did – besides rape?


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