The audacity

You the rapist call me a dirty bitch…

Your family all shun your brother for being there for me

What irony and evil is this?

You, a rapist who has already moved on into a new relationship  happy, getting on with your life, whilst mine falls apart because of you and what you did. And then to call upon loyalty from family against your own brother, a good and decent man who was there for the woman you destroyed and broke.  Who more deserving than him of support? Who less deserving than you?

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Tormenting myself

So, I started reading back on all our messages and noticed that way back September 2017 I had indicated that I was scared of you  that I felt my episodes were increasing and that sex with you was hugely triggering, in October I was telling you how scared I was to visit you and by January I was saying how I felt i had to pretend to a good sub or you wouldn’t love me anymore and how much the bdsm lifestyle was traumatising me and that I was putting pleasing you before my own mental health and wellbeing.  You replied saying you knew I didn’t want to be a sub, yet you still continued to force me? You didn’t stop it.  February I finally called a stop to it all. I told you no more! I told you I couldn’t do it at all anymore.

Through March I reiterated what I told you in February and expanded on the changes I wanted to see and try, to feel connected, gentle, loving and to try to learn to open my eyes and look in yours and to trust you and open up to you.

You still forced me. Please tell me there’s any other definition for what you did – besides rape?

Urges

The nights get darker, the weather cooler, a time where secrets are better hidden.  Magicians aren’t the only ones that hide things up their sleeves!

The leaves fall to the ground, to rot and decompose. No more converting light to life.  Instead the husk is all that’s left of the beauty they once were.

No need though  to grieve for the fallen leaf, for with it’s death still it gives life.  Fertilisation of the earth, homes and food to creatures of the woods. Both in life and death a purpose served.

So let me go, let me leave..or leaf like be.  Eternal, immortal, do not grieve. I lived, I loved and this is only the next stage where my turn it is, to fall. At peace, at one.

BDSM isn’t consent to rape

I spent weeks feeling it was my fault, I led him down that dark path  brought out the sadist that was inside.  It was my fault right? I enjoyed being dominated  I enjoyed playing consensual non consent  for a while anyway, then it just started to re-traumatise me so I withdrew consent for anything rough.   But he’s the Dom and I’m the worthless little sub and I don’t get the last say do I?  What happens when I’m gentle?  he asked me when I confronted him about raping me. What D? I cry? I have issues and I find kindness opens all the locked away pain from being unloved and unwanted for so long? And I get scared that you’ll really see me  without my masks? And that I’ll get hurt again? When you’re gentle, I’m more vulnerable and outside my comfort zone.  But I don’t deserve to persist past this do I? Because even though being rough still triggers me in other ways, traumatise me, at least you’re fulfilled with your own sick fantasies right?

So my consent.. Was unnecessary to you, because you get the last say and  you decide when it’s over, not me

Of course, you have your defence all ready, as soon as I confront you, you’re answer was armed ready to shoot  like you knew it was coming didn’t you?  All prepared!

What did you say? Well you have all the agreements and what I like… Never mind they were from months and years earlier and I spent from February 16th to March 30th texting you removing consent, making all before null and void.  No, never mind that DF, because you get the last say don’t you? The worthless sub doesn’t get to remove consent, to say no more, to say stop.

The killer? The smug look on your face as you laid back resting your head on your arms whilst I cowered in the corner, shaking and wondering what to do and whether it was my fault, the smug look when you admitted you were seeing someone else within 2 weeks of raping me.  The smug look I imagine you had when I took my overdose and you thought you’d got away with what you did forever.  The smug look when you could attempt to make out to others that I had been to blame for the break up. The smug look i know you’ll have on your face when you get away with it because I know they won’t prosecute or that you’ll confess, you’ll own up and convince them you had good grounds to rape me!

No remorse for destroying me, for making me scared to be with anyone again.  To feel no man is going to want me now, whilst you pose for the photos with your new girlfriend and her children and happily have it on display all over Facebook, weeks after raping me and after refusing to ever have anything about me public.  I mean you really know how to make someone know how worthless they are don’t you? You said you loved me and then within a few weeks did that.

Bpd – the gifts

One of the symptoms of bpd is a sense of emptiness, a void and a feeling as though we don’t know who we are, lost.

These are positive symptoms if we approach them with a sense of determination.

An empty cup can be filled with any drink of choice, you can choose to fill it with something sweet, delicious and good or with bitterness and poison.

So too can we fill the void with love, respect, honour, care.

Not knowing what something is or is meant to be, means we can become our own designers, creators. We can mould ourselves into what we desire. We can choose our interests, values, priorities. We can think freely without bias or prejudice. We can look outwardly for inspiration and trial and error.

We can become…

Bpd = self creation more than self realisation.

The trick is not to allow others perceptions to embitter us and for this we need to continually return to our centre.

Bpd = an eternal capacity to love unconditionally

The most beautiful part of me is my severe ’emotional dysregulation’ it is the strongest part of me that drives me, that creates action and change, that sparks fire and passion, that prevents procrastination. My emotional instability is what inspires others to action also. Yes it can mean I spend data or weeks in tears and isolation at the other side of the pendulum swing, but often I think it’s worth it.

Bpd = fire in the heart.

Bpd = a phoenix that rises from the ashes. You watch us burn over and over and wonder how we possibly get back up again, but each time we fall, we resurrect ourselves. Even our tears heal others souls.

When we speak, you hear us, you feel us, we make hearts tremble and knees weak, we strip you naked and reveal all your fears.. And then we show you how beautiful and perfect you are just like that as we hold you in sacred space and honour you.

For some this becomes too overwhelming and they can’t handle their true reflection and give in to the fear and run. This is a natural and common reaction that sadly leaves the bpd’er with further feelings of rejection  abandonment and a sense of unworthiness.

Some describe us as a cup full of holes and that no matter what you do to fill us, the void will always remain  I say that as you fill us we simply use what is stored to fill others cups from our own stash and therefore need others to replenish us.  We do not just ‘take’  we give of ourselves so much without holding anything back for ourselves

Mental health awareness week

I wanted to talk about how PTSD affects me and why it can make relationships really difficult.

A child whines and my jaw clenches, my heart picking up speed just a little as I measure my breath to try to stay calm.  I try to handle whatever issue has caused the whining, it feels urgent.  She talks in a way that the words can’t be heard and I feel myself becoming quickly reactive whilst I beg her to speak clearly so I can understand her.  Whilst I’m still trying to find out what the problem is, he rushes into the room  throwing the door open in frustration. I flinch and shrink into myself as he raises his voice, demanding she stop the whining and talk properly. My breathing quickens, in my mind I’m trying to focus on my breath  I can feel my thoughts drifting to another time  another man, another place, I can almost smell him, the musty scent of his rage, I can already taste the coppery  blood in my mouth. Everything has gone quiet now and the only sound is the blood rushing in my ears as my body shrinks further into the safety of the corner of the sofa. I feel the soft leather around me as I bury into it and I take my head to another place, a warm place wrapped up and hidden away, I’m a little girl now, hiding under the bed, my quilt cocooned around me as I him and rock   I’m no longer in the room where there was loud noise or conflict.

Maybe minutes later or maybe hours  I don’t know because I no longer have any sense of time, I start to become aware of my surroundings again, and feel a rush of emotions overwhelm me, a deep heart wrenching sadness  and I finally let out a breath as I sob. I don’t want to be like this anymore  I don’t want to live in this fear that carries me away   And now I’m angry  – I’m angry at me, I angry at everything that brought me to this point, at the past, at all the men that hurt me, and I’m angry at him..for triggering me. I start saying awful things to him, I tell him he’s aggressive and I can’t handle it, he knows I have ptsd, he knows how it affects me. I tell him he’s just like them. I know he isn’t, I know this is me. I know he would never hurt any of us, but..I don’t want to be scared anymore, I don’t want to feel hurt anymore.

Later I apologise, he tells me it’s ok, but I can see the pain in his eyes. He tells me he’s sorry too.

Everything gets swept under the carpet as though nothing happened… Again.  I don’t get over it though, I feel insecure  anxious, I start worrying about our relationship and the damage I’m doing  how long he’ll be able to handle it for, how long until he breaks and dumps me. I get scared he’ll stop loving me or already has. It fester and plays on my mind as I try to control my insecurities  I tell myself this is me not him. I try not to look for reassurance or act needy. Sometimes I fail and other times I wonder if I’m coming across as cold and distant in my attempt not to seem so needy. I want him to hold me, to tell me it’s all OK, that he loves me, forgives me, that he will try not to do that again, and that most of all, I’m safe. I ache inside as he keeps his distance from me, giving me my ‘space’

Dear abusers

I wanted to write a letter to my abusers, you know who you are

I want you to know what you did to my life and my inner being.  I’m 40 years old and I still can’t have a healthy lasting relationship with anybody.  I’ve lost everyone I ever cared about and loved.  They can’t handle the damaged pieces of my soul or the scared little girl that I still am.  I contemplate suicide every single day, I still wake up shaking every morning and fighting back the tears, so that I can get on with my day.

I imagine you all getting on with your lives, unaffected by what you did to me.

The pain inside gets so bad at times that it physically hurts my heart, I sob from the deepest parts of me but the tears never wash away the stains left behind by your hands.

Sometimes  I get flashbacks and memories flood in and I can smell you again, you now exist in every place that was meant to feel safe , I see you in the eyes of those I love  and I’m terrified

Then they leave me because they can’t handle it, they can’t cope with my fear, pain or reliance.

I want to die. You did this to me.

Vulnerability at our core

We’re all the same at our core being, from the kindest of humanity to the monsters, all scared to reveal that part of us that makes us the same, beautiful vulnerability… When we let someone touch that part of us, they have the ability to change our world, for better or worse.

The masks we wear is what makes us diverse, how we choose to react to protect the core. But when it’s stripped bare, we are one, connected.

Despite our belief that we need to protect that part of us, it can never be truly harmed, damaged or destroyed… We peel away layers, each of those parts can be destroyed, but they can be rebuilt, reformed.. The core exists beneath all of that in the deepest part of us, and only through laying it bare, facing our fear face on… Can we truly connect and be our authentic self. Even in death, that can never be taken away.

It can hurt when others hide their true self, when we see the pain behind their mask and we can’t reach inside, but the best we can do is stand naked in this world, free of our own masks and let them see that neither light can blind nor darkness shadow, that fire can not burn nor water dampen.. And when they see that, we can hope they find courage to reveal themselves too.

We live in fear created by establishments and the faith in the system be it religion or government, led to believe that everything will fall into chaos, mad max style if given true autonomy, though the more we try to control and create order,  the more destruction we create.  The tower topples.

To let go of our beliefs, of faith in the wrong things, of the illusion of control and of ownership and attachments, we find ourselves creating a peace from inside ourselves that emirates outwardly and envelopes one another.

Change and the unknown are scary, trust and faith in ourselves and each other, is terrifying, but through it, we can change the world. Through giving up control to the universe and faith in humanity and natural order rather than man made order, the old falls away leaving space for the new.

First we must face the pain and believe it will make us better.

Life, Love and Suicide

It dawns on me that writing here is for my own release, that I could give you answers, help you all understand.  Maybe something I say here will do that, but it’s not the objective.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote but I’m not continuing from where I left off, I’m starting from the beginning and it might be long

I learnt recently that from a young age, around 3, after my parents separated, I was sexually abused by a babysitter and made to sexually torture my brother too.  I imagine this was why my brother then went on to sexually, emotionally and physically abuse me from around the age of 5 until I was 15.

It all came out when I told my best friend from school, Milly Reid.. Do you remember that night Milly? My life was thrown into chaos and disarray when you told my mum, and if life was awful before, it became pure hell after that.  Where before I had managed for years, to compartmentalise what was going on and keep order and normality in other areas of my life, that was no longer possible.  It now overshadowed everything.  My parents now knew and didn’t believe me and my relationship with them deteriorated rapidly, my friends knew and I no longer felt equal but less than, I couldn’t pretend to fit in anymore, I couldn’t connect, everything was broken. At school my focus lost  it was exam year and I dropped my good grades and flunked everything.  I failed all projections, all potential lost, I had been in all the top sets, expected a’s & b’s… I started truanting, I didn’t go to any lessons anymore.  I wanted to die and I started cutting my arms.

With the blade, there was relief.. And a sense of control, everything seemed to slow down and pause and for a brief time there was only that moment  removed from everything.  The noise stopped. Over the years, cutting my arms became my saviour.

But people judge, they judge my scars  I’m an attention seeker!  It’s a cry for help! I’m selfish..

They say, nothing is that bad  nothing is worth hurting yourself, only they don’t realise that it’s taking away the pain  it doesn’t hurt me at all!

So, anyway to fill out more of the story, I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, kept isolated from the world, fed lines to make me scared of the worldly people and turned against my mother. There were no birthdays, Christmas  Easter. I have so many hang ups because of the residual effects of brainwashing, like a deeper scar than those on my arms.

I ran away from home and was sold by the guys I was living with, I was fucked by several of them in that flat.  Claire and Tasha, you took me there knowing what you were taking me into!

Then I met a guy at a club and went home with him thinking I was escaping, but I wasn’t and he sold me too.. Only this time I managed to stop things before full blown intercourse and the guy dumped me at Kings Cross Station where I called my mum and was picked up by Lewisham police. I lied when they asked if anyone had hurt me.. And I drank tea and shut any emotions out, leaving myself numb waiting for my mum to arrive.

She ended up kicking me out not long after and I lived in an emergency bedsit. I was 18 and pregnant and went out to party just before Christmas 1996.  I got in a car with two guys and was taken to the woods and raped. Forced to choke.. I couldn’t move, my head pulled back right out the car door off the seat and stripped by the other guy. I couldn’t even see what was happening, just feeling it all..I tried to block it out but I can still hear the laughter as they mocked me about how easy I was and how they’d got lucky.

The police said at least I would learn my lesson now and a few days later I dropped the charges, deciding it was my own fault and wanting to forget it all.

After that though, I didn’t learn.. I wasn’t able to gain self control and acted out.  I took risks, associated with the wrong people and got in more and more trouble.  I was raped more times than I can count, by more men than I know. I was beaten, threatened, scared for my life so many times it became my normal.

Then I started seeing someone. I spent 6 years being beaten by him. Until he beat my daughter and I left. By then I was submissive sexually and I would just lay there silently as he fucked me, it wasn’t rape though, I never indicated I didn’t want to as I had lost all will in the years before I met him and just didn’t want to lose him and be alone and scared again. I wasn’t scared of the beatings, they were better than being alone. I didn’t fight back, I just let him.

I stopped seeing my mum because she didn’t like him and had attacked him in my grandads house. It was 6 years before I saw her again in the May and only a couple of months later she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia around the end of August I believe, by January she lost her fight and had quit the chemo just the day before she died

I never told her I loved her, I couldn’t and I thought she was going to get better

Whilst with my ex I had lost 2 babies, an early miscarriage and my stillborn daughter Poppy.

I met my husband really fast after ending things with the ex  and married just 6 weeks later. I spent the next 5 years being emotionally and mentally abused by him but again I just accepted it. I believed marriage was sacred and my vows were important to me  I had to keep trying to fix things, I still believed everything was my own fault, so if I was just a better wife, a better person, I could make him happy and he’d love me. Added to this was his desire to have a child, and even that I was a failure at. I lost 9 more babies with him including triplets.  With every loss I lost a piece of myself.  I became a shell that was filled with pain and grief and hopelessness.

Then I met Damon. I started to see something better in myself. I started to see myself through his eyes, this man who lifted me up.  There’s a lot of the story missing here but eventually things ended with my husband permanently and I ended up being with Damon for 2 years. I moved away from my home town to another county, but 3 hours from Damon too. I thought things couldn’t last from long distance ,but they did for a year  It was hard work but I was determined. I felt loved for the first time in my life and I loved him.  I even learnt to trust him, I had never trusted anybody.  We ended up having a bdsm relationship because I thought it was what I needed.  Someone to care for me and make decisions because I didn’t trust myself and my mental health seemed better that way.

Only, I had flashbacks during sex, and I dissociated. I would come round curled in a ball crying or hitting out. I felt like I was ruining everything  I hated myself and felt dirty, broken, disgusting and unworthy, sometimes it made me feel sick for him to touch me, thinking I would infect him.

And finally he text me and ended it

He won’t talk to me, I’ve destroyed him so much that he hates me.  Even when I tried to kill myself  he said he doesn’t care what I do..

I was found by the police 2 nights ago after taking an insulin overdose  and taken to hospital. In the moment that I decided to die I felt finally at peace without fear, the past didn’t matter  the pain didn’t matter, it was all about to be over.  I had no second thoughts  no doubts, no last second change of heart

I only wished I could have found a way to convince others that it was for the best, so they could be at peace with it too, to know I would no longer be in any pain. I still feel that way.  I feel like I’m hanging on to just build a few memories for my children before I finish things properly. The last time I was raped was August 2014. A guy I went to meet from a dating site, his name was Iain and from Lutterworth I think it was or Lemington, something like that.  I didn’t report it, I haven’t reported any of them since the first one.  My husband told me I deserved it when he found out  and I agree.

Though I’ve focused on things that happened to me, I haven’t talked about how I treat others.  So.. It can’t be said I haven’t hurt others or that I’m innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

Learn to love the dandelions (BPD)

A man bought a new house and decided that he was going to have a very beautiful lawn. He worked on it every week, doing everything the gardening books told him to do. His biggest problem was that the lawn always seemed to have dandelions growing where he didn’t want them. The first time he found dandelions he pulled them out. But, alas, they grew back. He went to his local gardening store and bought weed killer. This worked for some time, but after the summer rains, alas, he found dandelions again. He worked and pulled and killed dandelions all summer. The next summer he thought he would have no dandelions at all, since none grew over the winter. But, then, all of a sudden, he had dandelions all over again. This time he decided the problem was with the type of grass. So he spent a fortune and had all new sod put down. This worked for some time and he was very happy. Just as he started to relax, a dandelion came up. A friend told him it was due to the dandelions in the lawns of his neighbors. So he went on a campaign to get all his neighbors to kill all their dandelions. By the third year, he was exasperated. He still had dandelions. So, after consulting every local expert and garden book, he decided to write the U.S. Department of Agriculture for advice. Surely the government could help. After waiting several months, he finally got a letter back. He was so excited. Help at last! He tore open the letter and read the following: “Dear Sir: We have considered your problem and have consulted all of our experts. After careful consideration, we think we can give you very good advice. Sir, our advice is that you learn to love those dandelions.” ~ Marsha Linehan’s Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (adapted from Anthony de Mello’s The Song of the Bird)

In this instance, the dandelions represent the intense emotions of the borderline personality.  We spend our lives trying to escape feeling, whether through dissociation or impulsive behaviours, both of which create more problems in our lives, and at some point we have to know when enough is enough.

Self harm, suicidal ideation, promiscuity and other risky behaviours are only ever a short fix, like drinking and taking drugs.  So how do you move past this?  You need to learn to love the emotions, bad or good.

Your pendulum of feelings are what make you so special and needed in this world, your motivation, enthusiasm, passion, let every emotion drive you to achieve.  You don’t need to hurt yourself.

I was told that anger is only a surface emotion hiding the pain and sadness beneath.

Observe and learn to recognise what you’re really feeling, do not be afraid to go beneath the surface, to your most vulnerable place.  Feel the sadness, the pain, it’s ok.  Recognise where it came from and validate it, nurture it.  You’re pain is valid, it is not an over reaction, you feel how you feel.  Sit with it, cry, scream, talk, write it down, describe it.

Notice how the pain affects you physically, mentally, don’t try to change it.  Breathe.

As long as you are breathing, you are alive and it’s ok.  Just keep breathing.

Eventually, when you have given the pain all it needs, let it go, let it drift away, say farewell.  You may revisit it later and that’s ok, but right now in this moment, it’s gone and you’re ok.

Remind yourself that you are an amazing person, you are unique and you bring so much to the universe, you wake us all up, you invite us into your sanctuary, into your deepest feelings and the depths of your soul.  We are honoured.

 

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